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Saturday, January 29, 2005

St. George Starring As The Jackal

Check the absence of line breaks you douchebag.

Vamos a playa, bi-atch.

Panic In The Streets

Oh Lord. Weather forcast calls for 3-5 inches of snow with a half an inch of sleet/ice coating it by nightfall. My wife got caught up in the news hype machine and dragged the whole family out to Target for batteries and essential food items. I had done a quick grocery store run yesterday eliminating us from being the eggs, bread and milk kooks.

I always wonder why those are the three items people clamor for? I mean if you lose power how are you going to cook those eggs? Put your milk outside and it will freeze. And man can't live on bread alone anyway. Isn't that what they say?

Our cart was filled with bottled water (look, one earthquake and a couple of hurricanes under my belt and you realize the preciousness of uncontaminated water), beer, diapers, and a firelog amongst some general necessaties.

I got a hunch we here in central NC won't see much of the white stuff. The way it works here, we'll get two inches of ice and an assload of power outages. I chopped some wood for the fireplace earlier this morning although I didn't chop that much as carrying a load of wood seemed like a bad thing to do what with the possibility of my vas popping out of my scrotum. Alas, I did managed to gather enough logs and sticks to keep a fire going for a good day or two. There's no shortage of stuff to burn in my backyard - it's just a matter of keeping it under cover and dry.

This is completely off topic: When did Tom Arnold take over The Best Damn Sports Show Period?

People Don't Know Shit

During the course of thr week, I spoke with several folks on the topic of my procedure.

The women I know all applauded me for taking the plunge, er, the cut. "The burden of birth control is always placed on the woman, and that's just not fair," said one mom I know. Honestly, for me it seemed like a no-brianer: The vasectomy was covered by my health insurance.

Some girls I know don't have health insurance (like the ones I work with in the business of catering who tend to be in college or right out of college) and have to pay a lot for pills. Or sponges. Or whatever their choice of contraception is.

Another girl of the collegiate co-worker variety even told me that most boys expect the girl to provide the condoms. "I mean they say shit like 'I'm not the one who is going to get pregnant'. Can you believe that?" Well, I am a man, and I know most men are pigs, so sure I can believe it but I don't expect co-ed cuties to accept. Sadly I'm told, most do.

The men I spoke with were mostly knuckleheads who didn't have a clue about the specifics of a vasectomy. One dude, after I told him I had one, looked at me like somebody died and put his arm around me in an act of consolement. "They didn't cut my balls off man," I said. "Just cut the swimmers off at the pass."

Another guy figured you'd never be able to ejaculate again, taking the old adage "shooting blanks" literally. Most men were generally scared by the topic and didn't won't to hear about any kind of sharp object getting near the family jewels.

I'm not surprised, and you know why ladies? Because most men are pussies. Especially when it comes to their cock/prostate/butthole area. Men could never handle laboring a child. I'm sorry but we just couldn't. Conversley, women can handle reproductive issues with alarming grace because since roughly the time of their first period they go to the OB/GYN and get their coochies inspected on a regular basis. Men don't have anything like this and I'm starting to think maybe we should. Maybe there'd be less colon and prostate cancer if guys where acustom to having their plumbing checked. Most of the time early detection is the best way to combat cancer.

But we're men, we'll never change.

I Got Erection!

This post is for the jackals who have been posting in the commets section: I survived the first week of post-vasectomy life rather well. There's still some bruising going on and the stitches haven't fallen out yet and, contrary to popular belief in man culture, I haven't lost my sex drive nor the ability to get a hard on. As a matter of fact, Wednesday and Thursday I felt as if someone had slipped me a Viagra because my love pump just wouldn't go down. It was like being a little kid again as I found myself just staring at my twitching penis; back then you hadn't quite figured out what to do with the fella when he got to full mast. But this week it was off limits. I was given specific instructions not to "use" it until this weekend. Well goddamn the weekend is here! Hurrah for that.