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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Moving Forward, Moving Faster

I'm just over a month away from moving out of this shit hole apartment complex.

I had hoped this living situation would be temporary. I had hope that I would have moved forward in life. I never expected to be stuck in some sort of twisted limbo.

I've lost the urge to write many times over the years but the last few really hit me hard. I returned to a full-time day job after almost eight years as a stay-at-home dad, changing diapers but not changing the world like I had hoped I would twenty years ago before kids entered the picture.

My marriage crumbled and fell apart.

Yet I continued to make stabs at memoir(s), cobbling together a few treatments for TVs shows and movies based on my life experiences, doing some freelance music reviews for a now-defunct web site called Shockhound and of course minimal blogging.

I like to write about the mundane, about the things I see from day-to-day but when the day-to-day became to be too much... I stopped.

I truly love writing about my two boys but up until now I never felt comfortable writing about post-marriage life, about the trials & tribulations of co-parenting, about what it is like to lose your sense of yourself, to be stripped of your identity (dad). I want a house and a backyard. I did not grow up in or around apartment complexes so living in one (unjustly so maybe) makes me feel like a failure. How does one deal with failure?

I wrote songs and settled back into being in a working band.

I felt like things were staring to move forward, although moving faster. There were shows, some steady freelance writing and a busy days at the office. Lots of busy days.

But then Shockhound died and with it every review I ever wrote. Then I got robbed. And with it I lost poems, short stories and just about everything and anything I put to paper or typed up over almost 20 years. And yes, lots and lots of photos.

Deadwater as they say.

But as I pack for a move, I have been rediscovering photos and writing and books and records and movies; rediscovering all the things over the years that have inspired me.

And I also have spent the last five days of spring break with my two boys: every day, all day doing stuff that we do best - creating, laughing, joking, eating, sleeping.

Battery is recharging as they say. You'll see more of me here. And in other places along the way...