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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Vitaminenergy Colon Cleansing

A few weekends ago, Father's Day to be exact, I attended a 3-on-3 soccer tournament that my 8-year-old son played in.

This was one of those full scale tourneys with all kinds of sponsorship tents dotting the landscape.

As is par for the course in these situations, free swag was to be had just about anywhere and everywhere and I decided that since I was up at the crack of dawn and had to work later in the day, that I would try a Vitaminenergy drink.

I'm no stranger to energy drinks.

Years ago when they first entered the market one of my newspaper colleagues and I decided we'd do a little "research" and sample these new beverages for a possible story.

At the time, none of them really grabbed a hold of me but if I had no access to coffee and needed a eye-opening jolt, I'd probably reach for a Red Bull.

Anyway, I'd had the vitaminwaters before - and although I wouldn't recommend them to anybody - I figured since I was in the middle of nowhere that their version of the energy drink would suffice in the pinch that I was in.


Remember that word.

When my wife saw that I had a cold beverage she asked for a sip and then asked where I got it. I told her they were free and pointed her to the company's tent. We both downed our drinks while waiting for my son's team to collect their medals.

They had won the tournament in a shootout with my son making the winning goal.

Talk about feeling some serious dad pride... or maybe it was the drink I just consumed.

At some point during the 45 minute ride home my bowels started to alert themselves to me that they needed attention. But unlike coffee and its shit-conducing factor, this wave quickly appeared to be one that I wasn't going to be able to hold back for very long (but I did make it home).

Once we arrived home I dashed in the door and made a bee line to the bathroom. As soon as I got my shorts down and relaxed did the stream of shit start. Actually, calling it "shit" would be a mistake as this was more like I turned on the faucet that my anus does indeed NOT have and listened to myself pee out my ass.

That's about the only way to explain it: I was peeing out my ass.


Glad that that was over, I made my way to the couch to recover only to hear my wife go into the bathroom.

I spent the next several hours peeing out my ass much to my dismay, each time thinking, "I can't possible have any more in there can I?" and then proved wrong by my bowel-spitting butt.

I was about two shakes of a fig tree away from calling off work but I needed the money (because of that damn car thing) and decided to be a trooper and head off to work.

It probably was a good thing because it forced me to not think about my pissing anus as well as being a good exercise in butt clenching.

Not only could I not think about even touching food, just looking at water conjured up memories of peeing out my ass. Yet it was almost one hundred degrees and I was working outside with visions of dehydration dancing in my head.

Alas, I made it out of my shift alive and without having to spray my colon into some stranger's tiolet and I did choke down some carbs as we cleaned up.

The next day my wife said she had the same problem and we both deducted that it had to have been a result of those drinks.

Vitaminenergy... don't say I didn't warn you.


JonMcP said...

Yikes! I guess I never really considered that my caterer may have recently been "peeing out of his ass".

Chag said...

Vitaminenergy will love this review!

Matt said...

This is so weird. Just the other day, I had one of my childhood flashes (while having a similar bowel issue).
There I was, no older than 5 or 6, on the john, having bowel issues. When it was all said and done, I clearly remember thinking to myself (with an enormous sense of pride), "I just peed out my butt. Finally!!"

greg said...

jon - that why caterers keep Depends and Pepto in the emergency kit

chag - somebody commented on the product site about having the same issue but they referred to it as the "green apple skitters." wish i thought that one up.

matt - i'm glad i'm not the only one who has pee'd out their ass.

Whit said...

We used to call it 'making soup' and take it from there. 'Mmm good," was said a lot.

Dude, vitamins will kill you.

AMR said...

Man, first Chag then you and then me -- and I had not read either of your blogs before tossing out a "red ass" comment on mine. Shitburn is as painful an affliction as there is out there. Of course, the thought of Shaq (current Vitaminwater spokesman) peeing shit is just too much for me to take.

Mike said...

I was reading your story and doing just fine when "peeing out your ass" came up. Never laughed so hard. Been there, done that. Just not enough reading material in the bathroom for times like that.

Dan E said...

You sure you didn't drink Vitaminenema by mistake?

MileHighDad said...

In no defense of Vitaminenergy, which sounds 3rd world BTW!
We have had some vicious crud going around where "peeing out of your ass" is just one of the symptoms.
My kid just had it for 3 days and then mom did for near a week, as for me, I am to old and have drank to much beer in my life for it to slow me down other than the occasional head spin.
Hang in there man!

Bill Smith said...

Did you happen to hear Car Talk today (August 9th)?

greg said...

no bill i didn't.

Anonymous said...

as an employee of vitaminenergy (which is in no way 3rd world, just part of a small company worth $4.1 billion to coca-cola) i would love to know how many free drinks you had. it is a running joke to us to comment about the bowel lesson to be learned by the people that are more or less greedy and opt for the free drinks all day or want to try all three in one day, etc. and ignore the fact that the 16oz cans are 2 servings. but that is our american way, serving schmerving, i want more.

so as a warning, for your bowels sake and to save disappointment and money, don't drink multiple ve's hoping to feel all jacked up on energy the way you would with monster or 3 red bulls... we don't use the artificial ingredients that will allow that to happen.

i personally do tell people that the b complex is known for it's promotion of healthy digestion and to please take that into consideration.

i'm in no way trying to persuade you to like it, that's not possible. but just better understand what happened and the likely reason why and it's not that it's a result of a bad product.
frankly, i'm more surprised that you say that vitaminwater is not something you would reccommend to a friend. i have talked to thousands of people (no exaggeration) and i have never heard anyone less than enthusiastic about how much they love it. now that is a product i would definately encourage you to try again.

greg said...

dude, i have two thirds of one can.

your product sucks.

find a new job.

Anonymous said...

Like the vitaminenergy employee said, he's not persuading you to like it.. Also, I'd like to point out that vitaminwater comes in bottles. The employee guy said "i'm more surprised that you say that vitaminwater is not something you would reccommend to a friend". Not vitaminenergy, so saying "dude, i have two thirds of one can" really doesn't fit whatsoever.

As for myself, I'd say both vitaminwater and vitaminenergy are great. Yeah, the energy variant pushes digestion a bit, but that's something you should be prepared for. Even still, I can't say i've experienced quite as dramatic of an effect from having a vitaminenergy.

The Holmes said...

Gack, pissing anus. No thankee.

Camus said...

This would account for Fiddy's emaciated look, LOL