Who Got Da Funk?

There are two different bus stops I use to catch the Number 10 DATA bus into work. One just has a bench and it out in the open on the sidewalk, the other is covered and can offer shelter from the wind and rain.




Recently it was pouring out so I got a ride to the stop that was covered.

I was standing there just looking at the sheets of rain coming down, sideways at times, when I looked down and spotted something. Always in the habit of carrying my camera around I snapped a picture of it. I wasn't sure what it was but upon closer inspection I deducted it was exactly what I thought it was: poop.

Clearly, someone had to go so bad that they squatted on the edge of the bench and took a dump. Looks like they use a combo of a stick and sliding off the edge to wipe themselves.

I still had a good ten minutes before the bus came and now all I could smell was the nasty stench of human poo.

Then I looked down behind me and saw some on the sidewalk where I was standing.

"Fuck!" I said and started noticing it everywhere.

I took a quick look at my shoes and was quickly relieved to find that I hadn't stepped in it. The thought of shitting on a bus with poo wafting up my face made me gag.

And cough.

God it stunk.

Then I walked out into the rain and rubbed my shoes in the swollen gutter just in case; I had a vision of sitting at my desk at work smelling nothing but this smell all day.

Ugh.

I was reminded of the time I worked as a bellman at Washington Duke Inn, a hotel right across from Duke's West Campus and just down the road from Duke Hospital. These two facts are important to note because it meant that two kinds of people stayed at the hotel - Duke douchebags and rich people in need of care at the hospital.

One fateful day I was unloading leather bags out of a high-priced sports car when I saw an elderly man approaching me. He sported a grimace on his face as he walked my way. I lifted a bag out of the trunk and turned to put it on the luggage cart.

He walked between me and the car.

I turned around to find a shit patty sitting right in front of me.

"Where'd the fu..?" I was about to drop the F-bomb in front of some guest.

In a matter of seconds you could smell the diarrhea.

"Damn!" I said.

I told the guest to hold on so that I could go get a maintenance man to clear it up.

As I walked toward the double doors to enter the hotel I notice two more poo patties on my way.

"Motherfucker," I said under my breath.

And then I opened the double doors...

And saw one in the doorway and then two more in the lobby. Apparently he got the elevator as well.

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the day inhaling disinfectant fumes and the unbearable essence of poo.

Back the the bus stop.

So later that day on my walk to the bus stop I got caught in a downpour and had to run the last five minutes to the bus depot arriving soak to the bone. It was as if I just jumped into the shower with all my clothes on and jumped back out.

My shoes squished as I sat down on the bus.

The rain must have unleashed all that lives in my shoes because ever since then all I can smell is the funk.

The shoe funk.

Damn.

My Kids Are Weird

Yeah, I know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and all but seriously, sometimes they are weird even by my standards.

Take for example my oldest, I recently discovered that when he goes poo he takes off all his clothes. Now I'm totally can see how one wouldn't want to shit in a public place like school but when I had to get some more toilet paper for him the other day I came into the bathroom to find him naked on the shitter.

"What are you doing? I said.

"Going poo... what does it look like?" he said.

"Well why are you naked?" I asked.

"I always take my clothes off when I poo," he explained.

"That's why I can't do it at school."

"But why do you take all of your clothes off?" I asked.

And, like a typical 7-year-old he replied, "I don't knooooooooow."

Whatever works for you cowboy.

Not to be undone, is my 4-year-old who likes to sleep on the floor of his room. He spent the better part of his early years sleeping with me and mom (thank god for king size mattresses!) so when it came time to finally upgrade him from the crib (which he almost never slept it) to a bed we just gave him our own futon that we had used up until we happened upon the previously mentioned (and greatly discounted) king size mattress.

The futon sits about 8 inches or so off the ground, high enough to stuff crap under but low enough that a roll out of bed for a toddler would be harmless. I guess somewhere along the way he figured he just skip the whole futon nonsense and just sleep on the floor where he eventually ends up.

While he does like to be tucked in, generally by the time you've made it halfway down the hallway you'll hear the thunk of him rolling onto the floor. I don't know how long he was been doing this but a few months back he confessed that he liked sleeping on the floor better then his bed.

And usually on the pile of pajamas - which he feels the need to take every last one out before he can pick which to wear, then leaves them discarded on the floor only to snuggle up on top of them after he's wrapped himself in his blanket and rolled off the bed.

Now I sorta know where this comes from because my last two semesters in college I had taken to the idea that it was pointless to fold my laundry and put my clean clothes back into drawers after washing them. Rather I would just dumped my freshly-laundered clothes in the corner of my bed that butted up against the wall. This way I could just reach over and pick out my clothes and essentially be dressed as I rolled out of bed.

As for naked pooing? Well I did play rugby and have been known to get naked at a party or two but I confess I've never pooed naked (unless it was before a shower or during some bout with the flu where bodily fluids were being released from both ends simultaneously).